Hope After the Storm: Welcoming Rainbow Babies *TW

*Trigger Warning - Baby loss

The term "Rainbow Baby" refers to a child born after the loss of a previous baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Just as a Rainbow appears after a storm, bringing hope and light following darkness, a Rainbow Baby represents renewed hope and healing for families who have experienced profound loss. This new arrival does not erase the grief of the loss, but instead brings with them both joy and a unique blend of emotions for their parents and loved ones.

My loss & subsequent pregnancy journey

In July 2015 I gave birth to a tiny daughter, born very prematurely, who died at four weeks old. Later the same year, I became pregnant again and gave birth to my sixth and last child in June 2016. Those few months between loss and a new pregnancy were not a clean break; they were a knot of longing, terror and an aching wish to keep my heart whole enough to love again. I carried both babies – metaphorically and very, very literally! -  and that doubled presence shaped everything about how I waited, how I planned and how I parented.

How previous loss can change pregnancy birth and early parenting

• Heightened vigilance. Physical sensations that other parents might dismiss become alarms. Every change in movement, every twinge, is interrogated by memory and fear. I even bought a doppler machine to give myself regular reassurance – PSA: without professional medical training, you don’t really know what you are listening to. Plus we don’t really know what long term effect there might be from excessive exposure to ultrasound waves.
  

• Shifts in decision-making. Conversations about monitoring, interventions and birth plans feel heavier because all choices carry the weight of a past outcome, even when (especially when) the parents had no control in the situation surrounding the loss. I didn’t feel like I could wholeheartedly resist any medical intervention until I had passed 35 weeks. I actually took a doula with me to see a consultant because I wanted to insist on a preventative measure that they didn’t feel the need to take. But I wanted belt and braces.
  

• Sensory triggers. Hospitals, certain smells, songs or gestures can reopen grief unexpectedly and intensely. At one point, I had to abandon a trolley in the middle of the supermarket because an incoming text triggered an overwhelming wave of grief. Unbelievably, the bereavement midwife’s office – who I had extra appointments with between pregnancies – was ordinarily accessed by walking through the triage and labour areas that formed the stage for the first act of our horror story. Thankfully, she arranged to meet me elsewhere and through a service entrance. After I had arrived in her office a sobbing mess on the first appointment!
  

• Attachment complexity. Bonding can be layered and nonlinear; love for the Rainbow baby grows beside the continuing presence of sorrow for the baby who died. For the first few weeks of her life, our youngest was called by her Angel sister’s name far more often than I would care to admit. But at no point did I merge these two daughters in my head or heart. Our youngest has always had a big sister in my mind and I save up little gifts for her that I think her big sister would like her to have.
  

These changes are not signs of failure; they are normal, deeply human responses shaped by trauma, grief and enduring love. The extra alertness, complicated feelings and emotional ups and downs that come with pregnancy and early parenthood after loss are really just ways our hearts and minds try to keep both the baby we lost and the one we’re welcoming safe and cherished. Instead of seeing these reactions as flaws, it helps to remember they show just how strong our connection is to both our Angel baby and our Rainbow baby, and that they’re all part of learning to heal and adjust.

Mental health, hormones and the ability to hope

• Biological vulnerability. Pregnancy and the postnatal period bring huge hormonal shifts that interact with trauma to amplify anxiety, panic and low mood. This is especially the case where the pregnancy comes soon after the loss, when the parent’s body has not yet returned to normal hormone levels.
  

• Trauma responses. Flashbacks, intrusive memories and hypervigilance are common and can look like obsessive checking, avoidance of reminders, or dissociation during medical appointments. In some cases, the trauma response becomes pathological, and conditions like PTSD can be hard to navigate without professional psychological support.
  

• Hope as a fragile skill. Hope must often be learned again in small, incremental steps. Trusting a positive outcome is a skill that grief can erode; rebuilding it takes time, permission and support. Most of my last pregnancy, I flip-flopped between ‘delusional’ optimism and hopeless despair – almost all of which was internalised because I didn’t want to negatively impact the people around me, including my four oldest children. Side note: they call babies born before a loss Sunshine Babies.
  

• Grief and postpartum mental illness overlap. Bereavement and conditions such as depression, anxiety and PTSD can coexist. Recognising this helps people get the right support rather than waiting to “feel better” on their own. After some very frustrating conversations with my GP surgery, I was signposted to a grief counselling service to which I could self-refer. But it wasn’t until after my Rainbow baby was a few weeks old that the PTSD really became evident. Thankfully, the perinatal mental health team connected me with a specialist service at the earliest possible opportunity.
  

Navigating pregnancy and parenthood after loss is a deeply emotional and psychological journey, shaped by trauma, hope, and the ongoing process of healing. And, of course, hormones. Always hormones.

Guilt, loyalty and the ethics of ‘moving on’

• Guilt is common and confusing. Feeling guilty for experiencing joy, relief or love for a new baby does not mean you have betrayed the one you lost. Guilt is a normal, often loud emotional response to loving again. “How could I be happy with my Angel baby gone?” fought with “How could I not be happy with this beautiful Rainbow baby in my arms?” on a regular basis. Until the two states learned to live comfortably beside each other in my psyche.
  

• Loyalty to memory. Many parents keep rituals, anniversaries and stories of lost babies alive alongside parenting their other children. Honouring loss and caring for a living child are not mutually exclusive; they can be braided together. Ten years on, we still honour ‘special’ days and take the time to feel our feelings. Some with our other children, some just as a couple. When allowed to express themselves, the feelings are no less painful, but thankfully those times become easier to close out on each occasion.
  

• Practical permission. Saying out loud that it is ok to hope, to laugh, to bond, and to grieve is often the first radical act toward healing. Death is a fact of life and no matter who you are grieving for, there may still be times when all of life’s other highs and lows can interrupt your grieving for a spell. If you observe that happening, think of it like a break in labour contractions – rest, and be thankful.
  

Ultimately, navigating the complex landscape of pregnancy and parenting after loss is a journey marked by resilience, vulnerability and hope. By embracing support, acknowledging our emotions, and allowing ourselves the space to heal, we can find a way forward that honours both our grief and our joy. Remember, it is entirely possible to hold love and loss in the same heart, and you are not alone on this path.

Practical supports that help during a Rainbow pregnancy and early parenting

• Create a personalised care plan. Share your history with healthcare professionals and agree a plan for updates, monitoring and how information will be communicated to you. I cannot tell you what it took to not physically attack an ultrasound tech who referred to my previous pregnancy outcome as a “late miscarriage”. After that, my midwife added a brief explanation to the front of my notes.
  

• Bring a trusted advocate. A partner, friend or doula can hold space, ask questions and repeat information when fear clouds your memory. It is also worth noting that there is no legal basis in the UK preventing you from taking audio recordings at your appointments or consultations as long as they are for your personal use. It would benefit your relationship with your clinician if you discuss it with them in advance, but they are not able to prevent you from recording.
  

• Small rituals for control. Simple routines before appointments, a calming playlist, or a written script to use with staff can reduce the strain of decision-making.  If you didn’t use hypnobirthing strategies in the previous pregnancy, you might find them especially beneficial this time round. Mindfulness, meditation and relaxation strategies can support your nervous system and hormonal balance as you navigate this journey.
  

• Therapeutic support. Specialist bereavement counselling, trauma-informed therapy and peer support can all be vital in processing layered grief. For me, this looked like peer support through SANDS, grief counselling and finally Cognitive Processing Therapy for my diagnosed PTSD. I was fortunate to have a close network of family and friends, and of course my doula Hayley, without whom I would have found the loss and subsequent pregnancy a much more difficult time. Adding in, or continuing with, holistic practices like yoga and walking in nature or receiving therapies like massage or reiki can also help your mind and body to find internal balance. And the power of a good nap cannot be underestimated in my opinion!
  

Having the right support, practical tools, and compassionate understanding can make a world of difference during a Rainbow pregnancy and the early days of parenting after a loss. While you might feel very lonely in your situation – even as a couple you probably don’t experience the loss in exactly the same way – you are not actually alone. If you have no resources locally to you, there are many online support groups where you will, sadly, find some small comfort in the relatable experiences and new realities of others in a similar position.

The doula role after baby loss

• Emotional continuity. Doulas can provide steady, non-judgmental presence across pregnancy, appointments, birth and early parenting - helping to translate medical information and holding your emotional experience. If you are considering connecting with a doula for a pregnancy after a loss, I would encourage you to form that relationship as early as possible. My doula – who is thankfully an early riser – was the first person I called after my positive pregnancy test! She shared in my joy as much as she had shared in my pain.
  

• Practical advocacy. A doula can help ensure your wishes are heard, support consent conversations and assist with birth preferences that feel safe. They can keep an extra ear out for triggers, give your partner a safe space to air their feelings/fears, and – with your permission – gently remind your clinical team if needed of why you might be considering all choices more carefully.
  

• Postnatal containment. In the early weeks, doula support can include practical help, holding space for mixed feelings and linking you to therapeutic and peer resources. As I said earlier, this is when my PTSD really kicked in. My birth doula was at the end of the phone for me whenever I needed her. And I hired a postnatal doula this time to cook for me and the family so that I could fully enjoy my babymoon in bed with our precious newborn.
  

Having a doula does not erase fear, but it gives you an experienced companion to navigate it. While a doula cannot remove the uncertainty or anxiety that often comes with a Rainbow pregnancy and early parenting after loss, their steady presence means you don’t have to face those feelings alone. They offer reassurance, compassion, and practical guidance, helping you to process your emotions and advocate for your needs. With a doula by your side, you gain not only emotional support but also someone who understands the complexities of your journey, making each step feel a little less daunting and a lot more supported.

If you are parenting a Rainbow baby while holding grief, your feelings are valid and complex. You may need patience, practical scaffolding and permission to hold sorrow and joy at once. Give yourself the simple kindness of small steps: a trusted person beside you in appointments, a script for difficult conversations, and a few daily moments that belong only to you and your child. You do not have to ‘move on’ to prove your love; you are simply making room to love again while keeping the lost baby a part of your story.

Signposts and resources

• Sands — Helpline, local support groups and extensive information for anyone affected by pregnancy loss, stillbirth and neonatal death.

• Saying Goodbye — Information, advice and services covering loss at any stage, with practical guidance and remembrance resources.

• Petals — Free specialist counselling focused on pregnancy and baby loss and resources for processing trauma and parenting after loss.

• Local bereavement midwives and neonatal teams — Ask your maternity service for named contacts who specialise in bereavement care.

• Doula support — Look for doulas with experience in bereavement and birth after loss; they offer emotional continuity, advocacy and practical help through pregnancy, birth and postpartum.